I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
