I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
