1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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