enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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