I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
