I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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