3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
