I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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