Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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