Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
