Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
