Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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