you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
