Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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