In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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