So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
