From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
