Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
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It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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