Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
