Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
