how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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