Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Man Helps Gorilla Find His Next Tinder Date
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important