I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets