Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She even gives head with a lisp.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops