I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.