You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is not my ceiling
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds