I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
