I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
