Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
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i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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