i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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