Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
