Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
