the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
