I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
