he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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