i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm too high and old for this...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize