On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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