Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize