i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
