last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
