So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
