I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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