so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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