guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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