we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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