You just made me feel so damn special
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
