I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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