I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
