I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
