I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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