I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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