Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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