hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
