Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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