If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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