my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
