I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
