Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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