bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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