I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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