Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
