let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
